BAMBINO: Yankee Derangement Syndrome or YDS, is a condition that affects millions of baseball fans annually, some for life. It is a syndrome that takes calm and civil people and turns them into venom spewing mongrels full of piss and vinegar, like some Mets fans I know. It has been documented that fans of other teams (Boston Red Sox) travel to far away places, like Mount Everest, and have a Yankee hat burning ceremony to somehow rid the earth of the "vile stench" known as the New York Yankees. Between frostbite and brain freezes, these brilliant Yankee haters risk life and limb to perform such rituals and actually sacrificed much needed kerosene to get the job done. And to what end?
Symptoms Include:
- Frothing at the mouth at the mere mention of the word Yankee, or a similar sounding word (skanky, cranky, Frankie, etc).
- Wigging out and flailing like a maniac when finding out the Yankees outbid other teams for a high priced free agent.
- Totally losing your marbles when the Yankees win a game and doing the May Pole Dance when they lose.
- Every other word out of your filthy sewer being Yankee with no mention of your own team.
- Calling Joe Torre mean names and comparing Derek Jeter to one of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
- Dry mouth and/or a rabid thirst.
- Not calling your Uncle Joe on his birthday because he's a Yankee fan and they recently beat your team to a pulp.
Treatment:
Not to worry. YDS is not fatal nor is it permanent. All one has to do is either submit already and become a Yankee fan, or simply go to your favorite team site and purchase a fitted cap and a jersey. Then go to 5 Tuesday night games with the gear on (without washing the jersey), then say 3 Hail Mary's, hold your breath for 26 seconds, and then scream: LET'S GO (INSERT TEAM NAME)!!!!!!!! You should be cured, if not, call 1-800-GETOVERIT.
No comments:
Post a Comment